Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We are all done wearing pants today
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
