I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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