The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
