Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
