just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
