Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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