I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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