My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
