I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Also, beer. Big fan.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
