When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
