I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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