And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
