she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
