it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The Olympian is in my bed
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize