Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
