ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
