After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
