apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
As shirtless as possible
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
