Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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