I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
