I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize