I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
