the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
