so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Let's get the cat blown out
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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