i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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