dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
