My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
