Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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