apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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