so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
