I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize