Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
