Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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