Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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