Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
