I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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