i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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