You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
