yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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