i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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