fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
