i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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