Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
