So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I enjoy the company of your penis
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
