Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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