I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
