we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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