I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
