The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
