omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
