My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
