listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
MIDGETS
????
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
