i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize