Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Semen is not good for contacts.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
false alarm, still single
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