my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We left the knife in your bed.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
