we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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