Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
